He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
