Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
