I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
