I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Is it because I queefed?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
