he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize