you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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