i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
