my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
