You're so nebulous sometimes
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
