Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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