I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
