I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
