Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
