Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
