Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dicks are not precious.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Someone signed my nipple.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
