just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
