I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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