I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
