there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
