I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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