A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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