I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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