Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Girls should come with a carfax report
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
