I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
