Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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