Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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