it hurts more in the daytime
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
