you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
