i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
