Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
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Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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