I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
