I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
