He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
