i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
