I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
