I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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