Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
