She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
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I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
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