Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
