I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
