I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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