Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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