This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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