she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
