I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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