You don't have asthma, your pregnant
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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