I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
