I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
