and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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