unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
