He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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