he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
