She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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