I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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