Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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