i jhust puked up my retainher.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
