dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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